1%

Here it is.  The avoidance can no longer be evaded.

The bottom of "The W."

I wish I had never seen this analogy.  The feelings of highs and lows equating to a "W" form.  It must be prevalent enough that we are taught and forewarned of this in advance to our arrival in Germany.  It has been in the back of my mind ever since the vile slide showed itself in intercultural training.  So I have known it was going to happen.  Purely inevitable.  Crap... One day I will have to endure this and I know its going to be especially harsh.

#$%^&*

It has become almost a talent of mine to hide feelings, stuff them in a corner in some room with a key and just forget about them.  Eventually, they fade away and die.  Life goes on.  So when I do become quite emotional, it is an unusual feeling for me.  I'm pretty sure I know why and when this started, but thats for me to know and you to wonder about.

My biggest struggle in Germany is blatantly clear to anyone who knows me even remotely well or anyone that has step foot inside my apartment.  I spend 99% of the time repressing thoughts, memories and emotions.  Its the 1% I am terrified of; the 1% of my time where I fear I will be anywhere but home alone.  The 1% of the time when I am NOT in control of myself.  The 1% of the time I feel vulnerable and deep breaths with closed eyes aren't enough to suppress the aching.

This whole experience has been about sacrifice for everyone.  There is no sacrifice that anyone has that is any greater or inferior than another's.  In one sense, we are all in this together.  Things are beautiful, amicable and jovial on the outside, but we are all a gooey mess on the inside.  Uprooted from everything and especially everyone who is important to us.  The pictures are beautiful, the opportunity is unique, but 1% of the time is spent questioning everything.  1% sometimes feels like 99%.    

Strength.

Prayers for strength are the most numerous they have ever been in my life and I am sure in many of my colleagues' lives as well.  The importance is immeasurable.

Behind every smile is a tear shed for those we love.  

I feel disconnected.  I might as well be on an island.  Pure disconnect.  Time goes on and sentences get shorter,  Days get "fine"r.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to put a sticker on it that smells like strawberries when you scratch it.  I just don't know.

The bottom of the "W."

Strength.


Another day.  Another beautiful picture, another incredible adventure.  Smile.  Everything will be ok.  Strength.  Always, strength.