21. Know every restaurant and bar including: prices, specialty drinks and Ruhetag.
Bonus points if you get a drink or food item named after you.
20. Get a traffic ticket.
American ticket:
Cop: "Howdy ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: Crap, I knew I should have worn that low cut shirt today. "Why I am soooo sorry Officer, I did't mean to speed through your beautiful town" Blink blue eyes 50 times. Make that 62 times. Good.
Blah blah blah here is your ticket, send the money here blah blah
Cop: "Have a nice day."
Me: "!@#$%^&*("
The end.
German ticket:
Me: "HA! I drove allllll summer with no ticket!"
73 days later....
Me: "Crap. Ticket in the mail. Must be from this past weekend... 73 days ago?!?!?! @#$%^&*"
Ticket: Please admit you were driving a Volvo on 7 Jun at 19:33 somewhere around St George in Austria. You must admit this fact, sign, fill out the form and return within 2 weeks or all of these really big words are making you paranoid that we will come arrest you and lock you away for 47 years.
Me: "Hell far. Even if it wasn't me, I'm gonna tell them it was."
Transfer money online to some account because the paper with the really big words told you to do that even though it goes against every American bone in your body telling you to NEVER transfer money like that.
The end??
19. Have 4 or 5 "last beers." Then order a 6th.
Why not? Everything is in walking distance!
18. Teach a German at least 3 redneck phrases.
"Fixin to" and "Y'all" are basics, try to be creative. Points awarded on how well your German(s) can speak redneck before BGV citizenship is issued.
17. Learn at least 3 bad words in Bayerisch.
Easy as apple pie.... A 47 million syllable apple pie.
16. Have a slight panic attack in the grocery store.
There is a bubble around me people. Get up off it.
15. Attend a soccer game.
14. Speak a full sentence in normal daily life and suddenly feel the need to alert the media to announce this epic event.
Bonus points awarded if you were actually understood.
13. Attend a public viewing for soccer.
Stand up on the tables when Germany scores and Milli Vanilli the words to the chants/songs. Points awarded on performance.
12. Learn the SVW chant.
No Milli Vanilli allowed on this one folks.
11. Feel like an idiot when you show up to get groceries on a Sunday.
10. Develop a new respect for travelers/foreigners in the US.
Once YOU have been the one who doesn't speak the native language, it puts a new perspective on the way Americans typically treat people from other cultures in the US.
9. "Dont live like an American in Germany, live like a German."
Moms can be useful after all. Try to let go of familiarities and engorge yourself with the unfamiliar.
8. Make really ugly, strange faces when some explains Leberkäse to you.
Then try to play cool when you realize it is really good.
7. Know your mustards!
Points awarded for knowing what kind of mustard goes with which meal. Or you can just be like me and have both kinds with everything. Smart, yes, I know.
6. Become a geography pro.
Since no one takes geography after 1st grade, you will suddenly feel and sound smart when discussing European geography. Or you just realize how bad you were wrong in the past and hope no one remembers.
5. The walk up the hill.
You must walk up the hill. At 4 am. After having too many. 47 times.
4. The bike up the hill.
As Mayor of BGV, I have made this a bonus point section because I have never done this. As of now, I believe the record is 3 times up in a row on the company bike. I'll cheer you on, but you won't catch me doing that.
3. Admit how much you love Bavaria.
How can you not? And if you don't, citizenship will be fully voided. You obviously need psychological assistance.
2. Become a Bavarian beer expert.
How can you not? And if you don't, citizenship will be fully voided. You obviously need psychological assistance.
1. Appreciate living the dream.
It's not a dream, so enjoy it 147% while you can. Absorb and appreciate all of it. Immerse yourself.
