The definition!

It's hard enough as it is to be an Ex-Pat.  Removed from your home country to live somewhere and create a new life.  Leave your family behind.  Leave all definitions of normality behind.

Being an Ex-Pat when your new "Family" begins to slowly leave is an awful feeling.  They leave one by one.  Month by month.  The people you leaned on, the ones you laughed with, created memories with...they just LEAVE.  Gone.

The goodbyes.  The "see you laters."  More painful than normal.  What?!?!?!  You can't leave!!  I still have one more YEAR here!!  WTF.   You can't go!!  I didnt give you permission to leave!


Poof.



By definition, all ex pats are supposed to leave eventually of course.  It just sucks when you are the one that feels left behind. 

Honky Horn Thingamabobie

Europeans don't care about being seen as different.  Not one bit.  So when you work at a plant with 8 million people, having a bike that stands out is important - especially around lunch time.  And SO, being the cool kid that I am, I bought a little something at Toys R Us in Salzburg to set my Wackermobikebile off from the rest....

Ya thats right.  100% genuine Cars Lightening McQueen honky horn thingie.  (Not my hand in the picture BTW...someone felt the need to honk my horn AND take a picture of it in action.)  SUPA!  

Now, back to the story I was supposed to be telling.  

On my way home today, I was trying to walk and maneuver the bike through the tiny gate at my apartment.  The pedal caught and I was close to eating dirt for dinner.  As I was falling, the horn kept hitting my hips and honking.  I looked up and saw a terrified German yard guy.  I wish I had a picture of his face.  

1.  What is an American doing here?  

2.  What kind of sound WAS that?  There MUST be a law preventing strange sounds when you scare the crap out of people.  

3.  Who in their right mind has that kind of horn on their bike?  There MUST be a law for this somewhere.  

4.  What idiot doesn't know how to get their bike through a gate?  There MUST be a regulation for proper maneuvering of a bike through gates.  

I couldn't help but giggle.  A lot.  

Proud moment number 644 for THIS crazy American girl!  

Devilish Laugh

So.  I've been here for almost......4 full months.  We have had some language training and just being IN Germany is language training in itself.

I giggled at myself yesterday when I was at the grocery store and the lady said "werdtfyguhijokmojnhcfgtyder56t7y8u9ijoknbhgvcfdxer56t7y8hiujnbhkgvfty sie?"  I nodded because from sheer experience, I knew she was asking if I needed a receipt.  I laughed because I am starting to count the times when I totally guess at what people are saying.  Sometimes the nod with the far off look works.  When it doesn't, then I get to play the dumb American.  Win win situation.

"Wow, LeAna your German is getting really good!"

Insert devilish laugh here...  =)

Envy - The deadliest of them all

For those who read this and know it is a direct reference, please don't read this with sour eyes.  Read this and appreciate your fortune.  Read this with eyes from another perspective.  Smile as you see from another vantage point and smile as you hug your loved one and experience Germany with them.

It's the small things that matter.  The most seemingly insignificant things can mean so much when in a different perspective.  A trip to the grocery store.  No big deal.  A trip to the grocery store in another country - has become no big deal 2 months later.  However, having someone to experience the initial confusion WITH you - seemingly insignificant, but a very big deal.  The memories to look back upon and laugh at the confusion when the lady at the checkout counter speaks so fast.  The gazes from the 962 people in line behind you wondering why you are so slow.   A shared experience.  A shared experience with someone you love.  Now stop and imagine that person was not with you.  Welcome to my world.

Welcome to my world where you are typically independent to a fault and now have to rely on others for help.   Welcome to the world of relying on Skype, relying on a good internet connection just to gaze upon the people you can't touch.  A self-hug in mid air with closed eyes imagining the ghost of the other inside them.  A trip to the grocery store alone where there is no one to help or laugh with amidst the comical insanity of the situation.

The little things become routine, but the memories are mine alone.

I have a new perspective on the little things.  The picture in the mail with scribble outside of the lines splatter my wall as makeshift wallpaper.  The random cards in the mail are on display to remind me everyday of why I am here and who I get to go home to.  The people I am here with now have become my family because they are all I have 5,000 miles away from the ordinary.  They become a source of laughter, a shoulder to cry on, a substitute for the people in my life I wish were here with me.

I just wish I had someone to experience this with me.  For what I have sacrificed, it sometimes feels overwhelming.  Unless you have lived it, I don't think you understand the magnitude of strength it takes to get up in the morning and smile.  

I admit, I do catch myself being envious at times of others.  Envious of the small things.  I am not perfect.

I am split between wishing the time away and slowing it down.  Thus, it stays as is and depending on the day you ask me, it will either be flying by or crawling behind a tortoise.

Almost European? Nope. Still American.

The weather was beautiful today.  And when I say beautiful, I mean a stark contrast to the -12C blizzard conditions from 6 weeks ago.  I really have no idea HOW warm it was, but there was actually some sunshine.  I almost got hot.

The shops were open today (Sunday).  I'm not privy to the special name for this, but it was pretty neat nonetheless.  Of course you have to remember that typically there is absolutely nothing open on Sundays!  Maybe a gas station or two but thats IT.  I was a lazy American this morning (-1 point).  Slept in until 10:15 (good grief that felt good though).  Had coffee on the balcony (+1 point).  Then at 13:00 left to walk up and down Marktlstrasse for the very first time.  (Not sure if you can count the 13:00 time notation as European since I am a military brat, but we will consider it slightly European as well...+1 point).

I was brave an ventured from my apartment for the first time with no jacket.  I felt like such a rebel despite slight panicky feelings wondering if I would be frozen in 10 min.  The streets were truly abuzz with people and music.  It was quite nice actually.  I did not do as the locals did and sit in the street-side cafes eating monstrous ice creams (-1 point).  Instead, I just walked by and took their picture (-2 points for being a tourist).

After a few hours of shopping and buying touristy things for my friends back home (-1 point), I dropped my bags off at the apartment.  +2 points for walking and not driving.

I actually felt guilty I was inside my "flat" for 30 min with the weather being so nice (+1 point).  My colleague called and we went WALKING to look at the castle.  Sad that I have lived here for 6 or 7 weeks or whatever and still have not visited the castle grounds.  Oops.

I am typing this while listening to German TV (+1 point.)

I wore my cammo hat today (-2 points).

I had an American dinner (-1 point).

We sat at the cafe at the castle and had a cappuccino (+1 point).

Total tally:
American = -8
European = +7



Still have some work to do I guess....

The List

Because I am old and have the memory of a stuffed animal, I am going to start a list of places I have travelled.  I realized this is necessary because I have tried to list where I have been a few times and it takes me 10 minutes to remember.  Hopefully this will help to spare the next person who asks 9 minutes of watching me hurt myself thinking.

I have added a fav pic from each trip that I took.  I've also decided to add a star system.  Five Stars = MUST visit!!!  One Star = eh.  Take it or leave it.


Reit Im Winkl (ski resort city)*** (great spot for skiers or snow tubing)

Salzburg****

Snow Church in the town I can never pronounce nor remember**** (a must see, but not sure they do it every year)

See.  Already had to stop and think.

Landshut (castle)**

Ampfing for go-carting***

Mueldorf**

Munich****

Altoetting (black Madonna)***

Zugspitze (highest mountain peak in Germany and the highest Biergarten)*****

Umag, Croatia (beach)***

Trieste, Italy (castle on the water)***

Skojcan Caves, Slovenia (cool cave to tour)****

Prague, Czech Republic*****

Drive through the Dolomites****

Ramstein AB***

Frankfurt-Hahn Airport (Where I was born)*

Venice, Italy*****

Milano, Italy****

Jesolo, Italy (beach)**

Aldersbach Brewery***** (team building trip)

7 day cruise to Greece - Venice, Corfu, Santorini, Mykonos, Katakolon/Olympia *****

Rabac, Croatia (beach)**, Pula, Croatia (colosseum)***

Plitvice National Park in Croatia (waterfalls)*****

Ljublajana, Slovenia (castle)***

Lake Bled, Slovenia (castle and a church in the middle of a lake)****

Legoland***** (a MUST for little people!!)

Dresden, Germany****

Helsinki, Finland*

Stockholm, Sweden***

Krakow, Poland**

Auschwitz Concentration Camp****

Budapest, Hungry****

Beerfests*****

Hluboká nad Vltavou, Czech Republic****

Church of Bones (Sedlec Ossuary), Czech Republic****

Heidelberg, Germany****

Either I can't remember any more right now or that was it.

To be continued...(if I can remember to keep this up)


            

1%

Here it is.  The avoidance can no longer be evaded.

The bottom of "The W."

I wish I had never seen this analogy.  The feelings of highs and lows equating to a "W" form.  It must be prevalent enough that we are taught and forewarned of this in advance to our arrival in Germany.  It has been in the back of my mind ever since the vile slide showed itself in intercultural training.  So I have known it was going to happen.  Purely inevitable.  Crap... One day I will have to endure this and I know its going to be especially harsh.

#$%^&*

It has become almost a talent of mine to hide feelings, stuff them in a corner in some room with a key and just forget about them.  Eventually, they fade away and die.  Life goes on.  So when I do become quite emotional, it is an unusual feeling for me.  I'm pretty sure I know why and when this started, but thats for me to know and you to wonder about.

My biggest struggle in Germany is blatantly clear to anyone who knows me even remotely well or anyone that has step foot inside my apartment.  I spend 99% of the time repressing thoughts, memories and emotions.  Its the 1% I am terrified of; the 1% of my time where I fear I will be anywhere but home alone.  The 1% of the time when I am NOT in control of myself.  The 1% of the time I feel vulnerable and deep breaths with closed eyes aren't enough to suppress the aching.

This whole experience has been about sacrifice for everyone.  There is no sacrifice that anyone has that is any greater or inferior than another's.  In one sense, we are all in this together.  Things are beautiful, amicable and jovial on the outside, but we are all a gooey mess on the inside.  Uprooted from everything and especially everyone who is important to us.  The pictures are beautiful, the opportunity is unique, but 1% of the time is spent questioning everything.  1% sometimes feels like 99%.    

Strength.

Prayers for strength are the most numerous they have ever been in my life and I am sure in many of my colleagues' lives as well.  The importance is immeasurable.

Behind every smile is a tear shed for those we love.  

I feel disconnected.  I might as well be on an island.  Pure disconnect.  Time goes on and sentences get shorter,  Days get "fine"r.  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to put a sticker on it that smells like strawberries when you scratch it.  I just don't know.

The bottom of the "W."

Strength.


Another day.  Another beautiful picture, another incredible adventure.  Smile.  Everything will be ok.  Strength.  Always, strength.